New year!

Happy New year to everyone. I wish you nothing but happiness for 2011. I pray that you will all be safe & protected. 

Love to you all. 

Goodbye 2010 & welcome 2011 xoxo 

This is where I'll be seeing the new year in. I hope you all have a wonderful evening doing whatever it is you'll be doing! Enjoy xo 

It's days like these....

Where I should be lazing on the sunny beaches of Mooloolaba instead of being at home. Mooloolaba is our home away from home. We just love it and if we could stay forever we would. 

It's peaceful, relaxing and the moment you smell the fresh sea air all your troubles seem to fade away. 

Jay has an absolute ball up there & so do I. It certainly beats the heat down here now doesn't it... beach breeze, cool water... HOT beach bodies to look at hehe! I couldn't ask for any more! 

I love that you can sit down there on the beach till well after dark and it's just as beautiful as it is during the day. 

I want to be there now. I want to call it home. I will one day.. If I get my wish. 

xoxox

Stupid lumpy, bumpy boobies!

So I'm booking in for my three monthly scan tomorrow. Less than two months for the left side because they found another tumour but they didn't do the right as I'd not long had the FNA & scan on it anyway. I'm a week overdue for getting it done but I haven't been concerned. I searched for the damn referral today and couldn't find it anywhere and then I go to the same spot I knew I had left it and had looked today and there it was. I hate when stuff like that happens.

Anyway... it comes in good timing. I am hoping I couldn't find it so that when I call and book tomorrow they will tell me someone cancelled today and I can get in asap. I have severe pain where a tumour is. Nothing I have every felt. I think whatever it is it may be infected or something but it needs to be seen to. It was sudden and the first sign of pain was last night and I thought possibly hormonal pain but this is far worse. Damn it.

Am I going to have to have the stupid thing cut out? Are they just going to give me antibiotics? Whatever they do I am just over my boobs being stabbed and squished and felt up by strange specialists.

I honestly thought I'd come to terms with all of this last time when they finally worked out what I have and why my stupid boobs form benign tumours. Thankfully they have been benign but today I am annoyed. Cranky with it. There's a high possibility they will change.  Don't get me wrong... I am grateful it's nothing. I am glad this one is probably just infected but it's still annoying and can be worrying. Somewhere in the back of my head I am wondering if it has changed for the worse. I honestly don't think it has but it's still a thought. Look, I really know it's nothing okay so please don't get all stressed out. I just want my whine. It's my blog so I can.

Well I've had my whine now so I'll toddle off now. Hopefully you've all checked your boobies and everything is good.

Have a good evening and I'll be back soon :-)  GO CHECK THEM NOW PEOPLE! Pleeeasse xo

Like, like, LOVE!

I've been looking through some pictures and today these were on the top of my likes so I thought I would share with you..... 

Hayles... theses are for you babe! 

 These are just so freaking adorable and I normally wouldn't go for something with this print but I really, really like them! You could even call it LOVE!

And Trine... for you! 

 I am really drawn to red at the moment... I love this dress. I don't know what it is but I want to wear it.

 This one is unusual but I do like it. It's very different. I'm not quite sure where I'd wear it but I wouldn't say no to having it in my cupboard.

And back to my old faithful colour... Black! This one is my  FAVOURITE!

and back to the red faze again... I am really wanting to dye my hair back to red... I'm tossing between this colour which is a little less out there....

Or something a little more dramatic like this..... 

Decisions, decisions.... 

Okay well I hope you all have a great evening and hopefully you can help me decide what colour to go. 

Time to reflect!

It's hump day again. I'm actually liking Wednesday's because I don't have to work and it means we are just that little bit closer to the end of the week.

Okay so over the last few weeks it's been kind of crazy stressful and busy so I am taking the time out today to look back on any good that can can be found in all of it. There was some good but at the time it's hard to see when you are stuck in the middle of all these things. 

So the first good. My friend gave birth to a healthy baby girl Chelsea Emma in the early hours of Sunday morning. A very speedy delivery and both Mum and bub are doing great. It's been a rough week for her after losing her Grandmother Emma so I am glad everything went so well for her. Congrats Carla and Troy, she is just so precious. 

My best friend has had her husband in hospital undergoing crazy amounts of tests after an accident a few weeks ago and it has been a rough time for all involved. He is now home and being treated as an outpatient. I am so very grateful to have him still here and able to be with his family again. I know it's going to be a long haul but the main thing is they are together and the joy on the kids faces when they saw him come home was priceless. I would give anything to see that moment again. 

My darling cousin Samantha and my beautiful long time friend Justin got engaged! I am so glad he came into my life because if he hadn't then he would never have met Sam and they wouldn't be as happy as they are today. Congratulations guys. We are all thrilled to bits! 

I managed to catch up with my dear friend Caitlin and her two gorgeous girls. I have missed them a lot and it was nice to finally see them after quite a few months. Jay absolutely adores you Ulalei so thank you for being the amazing girl you are. 

Okay so it hasn't been all doom and gloom now has it. See, I feel so much better just reflecting over these things. Have a great hump day people and if you do manage to get that hump in.. well it will make for a great day! ;-) 

Why do you blog??

I was reading a friends blog this morning and she mentioned how her blog was her place to get things out, to vent, to be happy, to share wonderful news, to whatever she damn well wants to do with it basically. I like this about blogs.

She has the place to share and get advice from her online friends and although people may judge the things she has written like every one of us may have been judge about something we've written in the past.. nobody actually knows who these people are that you're venting about so what does it really matter?

I am fortunate to have a very supportive, close knit family but there are still things that are sometimes easier put in writing. Some things you don't want to burden your family or friends with and so you just type. Some people are like my dear friend who can't go to her family and so she types. She has an amazing support network online and I love that. I am so grateful to those people who are always there for her when others have turned their backs.

I hate that the sneaky ones who haven't had the guts to speak to her and then cowardly come online and talk trash about her in her place. She has never mentioned names when asking for advice about certain situations and yet they come on and fight like the guilty cowards they are. I am saddened but I can't change things and neither can she.

This I think is why I think blogs are both good and bad. I feel better after I have gotten whatever it may be off my chest.. good or bad but I always feel better. There are other things I write and never publish but I still feel better after it's all down.

Why can't we do that without getting the crap taken out of us, why can't she?  I think blogging is a cheap therapy. There have been times when things were doing my head in and then boom it's all gone, out in the open but the weight has lifted. 

I don't write things for people to worry or anything like that, I don't do this for attention... I do it for me. So tell me..... why do you blog and does it help you?

Have a great day people xoxo

The little things.....

Is loving the little things..... Loving the stupid games I am playing with my sister reminding me not to take life too seriously. Right now she is keeping me from crying.

This week has been a pretty stressful week with a friend in hospital dealing with what could be some serious things. His wife holds her own at home with all the kids and the stress of not knowing if he'll ever be back to how he was. I am praying he will be and I hope the doctors can find out what it is. We miss him. He's here but not.

Another friend dealing with her own health issues that seem to be worsening by the day and you wonder, will she ever catch a break. Then we get a call from our friend this morning to let us know her mother who has suffered stroke upon stroke for the last year and has been in and out of hospital ever since and last night she finally lost her battle and left this world right before her Grandaughter is due to give birth to her first child. I mean right before... She was due last week.

Another friend we bumped into today tells us she has less than a decade to live at best. She was given this time frame a few years ago now after battling breast cancer. She still has another 3 years before she can come off all the medication. She still has no hair. It won't grow back til the meds are done. She's happy. She's enjoying what is left of her life.  She knows when her clock stops and she still carries on. She's an inspiration.

Yeah, so thank you Hayley for being you and making the little things seem so nice right now. Life is too short as we all know it and it's nice to step out if the grown up world with the grown up problems for five minutes.

My hearts all a flutter over......

These heels! 

These are the heels my beautiful friend Liss sent me to cheer me up :-) Well she sent the picture of them. They are my new favourites. I love, love, love them! I love them almost as much as her. 

Just imagine walking in these. How sexy would you feel. I am destined for a pair. I don't do red but I would so do these. Gosh, I don't even care that I don't have anything to wear with them.. I'd freaking wear them naked just so I could wear them. Sorry for the visual there...oops! I promise I won't do that.. I'll go out and buy a new outfit before I do that okay. Oh, I'm so in love with them xoxo 

It makes me all warm and fuzzy...

This is my favourite all time song. It's just a beautiful song and so I thought I'd share with you... Happy Friday everyone and have a great weekend.

Gotta love a bit of Tony Bennett xo

and it goes on....

This week is not a good week and it seems that the rest of the world is in the same boat. So much sadness around everywhere and I seem to pick up on so much of it. I'm quite sensitive to that kind of thing and this is why I avoid the news and things of the like.

My son is the same. Actually he is far more sensitive than I am. It's hurtful at times to see how much he takes on. He's only little. He has learnt to block a lot of it but he's still learning. Simple day to day catch ups with people or being in a shop or anywhere where people are, he'll pick up the energy. I do too but I'm more guarded than him.

Now when I say energy I'm talking "hokie pokie" as my sisters call it. People obviously know there own feelings but with people like my son and my mother and I, we tend to not only pick up on our own but pretty much everyone else around us. That isn't always a good thing. Most times it is bad. You are left feeling nauseous, sad, drained, headaches and many other things that people feel. My son at times has even been bouncing off the walls with too much good energy from people around him. We all know what that is like. You know when you're in a great environment with everyone happy and peaceful and you tend to leave feeling really good about yourself, well like that but multiplied with him.. as I said, he's still learning to block these things out.

This week I can't seem to shake everyone's energy. Something isn't right at the moment and everything seems to be out of whack. I am finding myself hiding from the world because I don't want to or can't handle all the sad and negative around. I'm needing more grounding than ever. I'm just not getting it.  I'm not the only one like this at the moment. There are many more feeling just the same. It's a very odd week... a really odd month. 

I just want to go back to bed on days like these.....

You know the days where you can't be bothered and everything annoys you and everyone annoys you?? Well I'm having one of those. I am highly irritated today. No one has done anything out of the ordinary(except for the rude checkout chick and I wanted to run her over with my trolley but that's a whole other story) and I am finding myself wanting to snap at them. I just want to hide from the world today for their sake and mine.

I don't know if it's hormones that is making me feel like this or just the fact that some days you can just. be. over. it. I'm tired, run down, my body aches and I just want to sleep a decent nights sleep. I don't handle too much stress and at the moment I feel like everything is going on and I really need to learn to just to go with the flow. I feel like I am running out of time and then I go and offer to do things or take it upon myself just to do it because it'll be nice for someone else not to bother and it all just adds to the stress. I don't want to have to think at the moment and I don't want to have to do anything at the moment.

Foolish isn't it? I am making mountains out of mole hills and I can't even blame anyone else LOL So instead of going and doing what I have to do I am sitting here bitching about it. Go figure. I roll my eyes at people like this. I'm rolling my eyes at myself don't you worry.

Okay so I have had my whiny whine so I better get my ever expanding butt off the computer chair and go and get something done before it's crunch time and I panic.... clearly I am not yet... I'm just building up to it.
Have a good weekend people, enjoy whatever it is you'll be doing and stay safe xo

Hump day happiness!...

Okay so here we have yet another hump day.. they seem to be happening on a weekly basis..funny that! ;-) The aim is to focus on the happy of your hump day and so this is what made me smile today.

I smiled because I didn't have to go to work today and got to spend it with two beautiful friends.

I smiled because the Tinkerbell hair accessories I got for a friends daughter had to be all used up to create a unique hairstyle. 10 thick hair bands and 6 Tinkerbell hair clips all piled together on tiny two year olds head.

I smiled because of the butterflies my friends and I saw. My friend Trine just loves them so. Actually I think Liss loves them just as much ;-)

I smiled because my son got stuck over the fence getting his baseball and at the huge effort it took for me to get him back over the six foot fence while we were laughing so hard.

I smiled because my son thinks he's so cool in his big white sunglasses!

I smiled because I got to have a half hour of silly song singing with Jay and his laughing had me in fits.

I smiled because Jay came out of bed to ask the very important question of... Does Nan & Pop have my birthday present yet? He just needed to know.

I smiled because my sister broke out in song mid conversation with me today on the phone, all to avoid getting in strife for talking on a phone whilst driving.. sorry for dobbing you in here but it is funny.

Thanks to all the wonderful people that helped make me smile today. I hope you all had a wonderful hump day too.

It'll happen...

I am reading The time traveler's wife... I'm trying to slow down the reading because I don't want it to end. It's beautiful. I accidentally got the movie out last weekend & I am so glad I did. Without going too much into it for the ones who haven't read it, it's the most beautiful love story ever. Someone you've known forever, waited for your whole life, been in love with, destined to be with. I love it & I know it's just a story but someone out there also thinks like me. Although it's a little different way of thinking,  I truly think there is the one out there for everyone. We can love others but there is only one keeper. One you cannot live without, cannot remember your life without, one who truly does complete you. I'm waiting for mine. I know he's there waiting for me. We're just not at the meeting stage yet LOL

It does make you wonder though doesn't it?? We're born into this life I feel with our paths already paved. Some have quite a few cracks in it and others just get that smooth clear path. Mine has definitely had a few cracks but I wouldn't be the person I am today without those cracks.

 I've been single for quite a while now. Probably longer than most but I haven't wanted anyone really. I'm comfortable with that. Not a lot of people are. I find it odd. It's my life, I'm good.. leave me be. It's not like I haven't tested the waters, it's just no one seems good enough for me and my little man. When I find him I'll know but until then, I wait. He will not jump out and say "I'm the one"I get that, but I'm getting there. I'm not going to settle again. I did that before and it didn't get me anywhere. Just years of wasted time and heartache, loss of confidence, loss of everything. Not planning on going there ever again.

My little man often asks, what if he's bad, what if he goes, what if he doesn't like me... well these are all things that I wonder myself. I have my guard up for all these things but I know that when I do find him, wherever he is, all will be fine. We'll fit. Mould into one. It's not going to be as easy as said but for the one you love, the one, I know it's different. I'm not expecting the movies crap, I'm not even expecting that a little but I do believe that we all have the one. My parents met in high school. They knew very early on in the piece that this was it. They've been married for nearly 34 years and have never looked back. It's not always been smooth sailing but they've always been the one for them. No relationship ever is. You're not living if it's always smooth sailing.

Anyway, the book... It's set from day dot. You're always going to end up with the one no matter what happens in between. You may even marry and have your own family but if it's not meant to be then the forces of the universe will change that for you. You just have to learn while going about that journey. We all get there in the end whether it be this life or not.

Hmm yeah so I've rambled on again about nothing too much but that's just what I think. I really do think you should read the book because it's so much more than what I've just crapped on about. Really it is and don't take anything I've said as an  indication. Just read it.

Our day!

We had our picnic. It was so nice to be out there in the sun. The scent of the flowers was overwhelming. It was lovely. We were happy to be out there enjoying once more, a picnic like we used to when you were still here.

It was up to Jay what we had. Just like we used to. He picked sausage rolls like we used to eat when you came over for morning teas plus we had popcorn and cupcakes, mini quiches, mini pizzas plus a plate full of ham and cheese and curried egg and lettuce sandwiches that we forgot to take out so we ate them for afternoon tea instead. 

Thanks for making today so nice. Jay said you were there. I'm glad you made an appearance. The picnic was for you after all. We got to talk wonderful things of you both. Jay a little sad he never had the chance to meet Nana but overall it was a lovely day. 

Here's to you Nana & Pop. Loving you always & missing you more xox 

Three years today.

He cried last night, he'd thought of you. Not just simple tears, sobs, uncontrollable sobs. He missed you and wanted you back. Wanted you here to stay. He didn't think it was fair you were gone. I hadn't even told him today's the day. He must have sensed it somehow. He didn't even cry that much when you passed. He's older now, I guess he understands more.

Today's the day. You left us three years ago. Nana left us thirteen. September 27. A simple day for most. For us it holds so much more.

I'm again feeling the panic of three years ago. Getting ready now to come over and see you for the last time. Knowing it's the last time and not being able to do anything about it. Wanting to scream to the rest of the family to come and see you because they are never going to have another chance. The ones that were there were meant to be. You'd made it pan out that way. You knew you were going and had who you wanted, I get that. I guess that's something they have to live with. They all try a lot harder now. They're all away to remember you both now. Granny too who would have celebrated her birthday today. They're yearly reunion. The fun and laughs of good old days. They try. I'm glad they do. They've learnt the hard way.

I remember waking thirteen years ago to hear the sobs of my Dad after Nan had passed. I remember sitting, curled up beside him, silent tears rolling, numb. She had gone. Never coming back. This morning I woke at 5.16am. I sat and watched the fog over the yard. Everything was quiet. Nothing. The world hadn't started. It was nice. A nicer start then before. I got to think of you both. Remember all the wonderful things about you.

I want to go back to a few hours ago when I woke up. I was clam. It really was so pretty outside. Today the sun shines. Much like the day you went.  I would have been with you now. Sitting by your bed telling you to come back. You'd already made the choice. I knew there was no stopping you. Nan was waiting. I could feel her there. You were surrounded by love. My biggest regret is not telling Dad. He wasn't there until later. I should have warned him. Given him a few more hours with you. I guess he'd had his time. He'd been there all along. He only needed to be with you in your last hour. You wanted it like that. You waited for your boys. Waited for Dad.  You only wanted them. You told them you loved them and you left. Gone forever.

Today we will have our picnic in the sun out by the yesterday, today and tomorrow.  It's in full bloom like it always is. It wasn't going to happen as I'd planned but it's all worked out for today. The rain has stopped and I have taken the day off because Jay is unwell. This will make him happy being with you today Pop. We love you both and miss you everyday.

Stupid little pill.

I'm falling. It's quick. The drop doesn't seem as high this time. It's only been a week. A stupid choice. I should have stopped. I shouldn't have started. I am stopping. I sit and stare for long periods. I don't even know what I'm thinking about. Not good things. I know that much. The tears over nothing. The feeling of dread. The emotional roller coaster. A week. That is all it took. A waste of time. 


I hate it. Nothing helps. I thought I'd try. With you I can't handle simple things. I don't sleep. I can't function enough to get up. I'm anxious all the time. I don't eat. I binge. So up & down. I've crashed. I need to get up and go to work this morning. I can't. Jay isn't here. It's harder to function. It's sad to know that most of the time I only do things for him. Not me, him. I'm a parent, I get that but where am I? 


Ha.. I don't have a freaking clue. My life has stopped. It's hit the brick wall. The bricks are trapping me in. I'm wedged and I can't get out. I don't want to get out. I'm too drained to bother. It's easier to sit here and cry. Why not? I'm allowed to cry. What's the point in bothering? It is what it is.  I don't even remember writing that last sentence. Odd. Scary. The thoughts, scary. Every little thing makes me jump. I'm off, so far, it takes a while to realise where I am. 


The only good thing about this all is that I can make it stop. I know it's going to stop. I'm not like the others. I'm stuck in my head now. The thoughts are running. I don't know what about but they can stop. I will be able to breathe & I will stop crying. I won't be imagining horrible things. It will stop. No Saturday pill.  My body just can't do it. My sanity can't. Something that is meant to help is one of the scariest things for me. It's never helped. I can handle the pain. I can handle the haemorrhaging.  I can handle the cysts. I can't handle you. 

Are you a confident dresser?

I was reading a friends blog tonight and she mentioned a job going at a popular chain of shopping centres for their suavest  shopper. She doesn't think she'd be in the running. This would be her ideal job. She has a talent when it comes to shopping. I have never seen anything like it. This woman would be able to get a pair of Louboutins for a freaking dollar if you asked her to hunt them down. She has endless bookmarks of online sites where she finds her bargains and has many a time come to the rescue when searching for that got to have pressie for your child's birthday and everywhere has sold out.  She can tell you where, when, what to buy in just about any store ever.

Her children are kitted out in beautiful clothes and a fraction of the cost. She'd buy ten items to my one. Now here's the problem.... She doesn't think she'd be cut out for the job because it's based on fashion and she feels  fashion isn't her forte. Ha!

Her daughter is one of the most fashionable girls I have ever met. She is going to be the envy of every child that meets her. It is very rare you will see her in the same outfit twice. Her sons have their own taste but still look very fashionable. She buys for their taste and it works. They are three of the most fashionable kids I ever met... besides mine ;-) hehe!

She has no problem with fashion when dressing children. She has all the confidence in the world. Adult fashion is where she struggles with the confidence. She will ring me and describe an outfit or take a picture and send it to my phone a lot of the time before she buys it. She listens to everything I mention about fashion so when she is out in the big wide world of women's stores she can't go wrong.

I am no fashoinista. Gosh, I am far from it. I envy my little sister who can throw outfits together and look stunning. If I tried, I'd look hideous. Leopard prints and red heels, blouses and pencil skirts with big belts and all sorts but she works it. She's confident. She's glamorous. That's her style. I have my own. I wish my friend would feel confident enough to give it a go.

The basic things you have to remember... Dress for your shape. Non of these short skirts just below your tushy if you're over 12. Dress your age. If you're over 30 and not a catwalk model and think you can still pull of these shorty shorts and midriffs then you're doing it wrong.

Big boobs... show them off tastefully.... don't do higher round necks. It's just going to emphasise.  Shorter in the body.. wear things to lengthen your torso. Wider through the waist line... bolder patterns or wide belts really do help. Big bottom.... where jeans or pants with big pockets. It helps minimise. To slim your thighs, darker colours or jeans with a lighter wash through the thigh area also helps.. they're great little illusions that work.

The main thing when dressing is that you feel comfortable. A woman who feels good in what she's wearing will look good. Unless it's a track suit and a baggy T-shirt and you're not at the gym... that doesn't work.  You're much more confident when you feel good in what you're wearing.  I am much more comfortable in a pair of jeans and a top. It's not that hard to throw something together like that. Chuck on a belt and a jacket or cardigan with some nice heels or flats and it works. Accessories are the key. A nice pair of earrings or a chain can make an outfit.

In saying all that.. don't listen to me. I'm a dag. My sister's would laugh if they read this. They roll their eyes when they hear me say, I was thinking about wearing jeans. I love them. Just be confident and you shouldn't fail. Look at what's in fashion and buy things to suit you. You don't have to wear the outfit straight out of the magazine. Most of us wouldn't suit it. If you do, hats off to you.

* My friend is in no way a dag. She dresses well :-) I really think she'd do well doing this job!

Another cup of...

I am not a coffee or tea drinker. People look at me like I'm kind of odd when I tell them. I would have maybe four cups of tea a year and sometimes an iced coffee.  I'd take a cup of tea over a coffee any day. I also drink my tea or coffee cold. I will make it and leave it for about 30mins before it's just right. You'd think it would be easier just to make an iced tea or coffee but they're not the same.

Tonight I felt like a cup of tea. I usually do when I am not feeling well. My mother always made me a cup of sweet tea when  my blood pressure had dropped and would make me sit and drink it with a biscuit or something. Anyway, so tonight I'm not feeling the best so I make what I would call, the perfect cup of tea.

It sat cooling in my big, big cup while I did some things and when I was ready, I sat down and got all comfy ready to enjoy my quarterly cuppa. On first sip it seemed really nice. Second sip, not so much. Maybe it had cooled too much. Not enough sugar?? Something wasn't right. I then took another sip before I worked out that the tea was horrid. The milk had gone off. Sadly I am sitting here with a sour milk taste that I can't get rid of. I am hoping I didn't drink enough to make me ill.

I think I will leave the tea and coffee drinking to the rest of you. I don't understand the enjoyment you get from drinking them but I do love the wonderful conversations with my girlfriends while sitting down for our cuppa catch ups... Me, I'll stick to my coke zero or water.

I have a dear friend Melissa who could quite possibly look like the picture below if she didn't get her coffee. She quite often jokes but I have my suspicions ;-), that it goes coffee then kids in the love ranking...

Now you may not want me making you a cuppa any time soon.. actually no one likes they way I make a hot cuppa either(I've no idea why ;-) ) so how about I boil the jug and you make it to your liking & we can sit and chat all the same. It's probably safer!

I hope you are all having a good, sour milk free evening.

Times are a changing!

Remember when Dunlop Volley's were cool?? No?? Well that's because they were never cool and the 7 & 8 year olds of the new generation haven't got that memo yet.

I used to wear them. I hated them. There is nothing fashionable about them. Yes they are practical, have great non slip soles, are cheap & you can wash them easily when your kids track through the one and only mud puddle in the whole of Queensland but they're dorky.

I dreamed of having some cool name brand shoe when I was little instead of these shoes. My son has begged me for a very long time... begged is an understatement. Cried, tried to bargain with me, asked me almost daily for a pair of them.

I finally gave in a few weeks ago. We were out shopping and he saw them. This time I beat him to it. I didn't want him to ask again and have to see the sad look on his face. I walked straight over to the long aisle of them and told him to try a pair on. He thought I was kidding. I actually had to convince him I was serious. When he realised I was for real, it was like all his Christmas's had come at once.

In that moment I realised it didn't matter what I thought, to him these were so much better than the expensive name brand shoes he owns. These to him are the name brands I longed for.

He has hardly taken them off. He wore them to bed the first night until I made him remove them. Jay has never been one to cling to a certain toy or blanket like some children do but these shoes are lasting. I am already preparing ahead. They're not going to last the way he's wearing them.  I am going to get another pair for the dreaded moment when he grows out of them or heaven forbid, they get a hole in them.

Yesterday we went and got crazy laces for them. Fluoro orange and yellow laces.  One shoe has the orange and the other yellow. He couldn't just do one colour, they really had to be crazy. He woke up and went straight to his shoes, got them out and sat them beside him on the chair while he ate breakfast then put them on. Jay has a shower every morning before school(can't start the day without one) and today he was so excited to put the shoes on, he skipped it. That's how important these damn shoes are.

My little man has gone off to school with the happiest smile ever. It was definitely worth the little money I did spend on them. It's amazing how something so minor can bring so much joy to someone.   My biggest hate is Jay's biggest love... go figure.


Here he is with his crazy laces this morning before school. Gotta love him!

Anxiety is the norm... I guess?!?

I was talking to a friend tonight about anxiety. Some people don't realise they are suffering and others are quite aware and this will usually make it worse. I have always had anxiety issues. Not so much of a problem that I've needed to be medicated but enough to be a nuisance. I don't fit into one set category like some people do. 


From a very early age little things like evenness & having to walk a certain path through the house were something I had to do. Evenness... where if somebody touches your arm so you then have to touch the other arm in the same spot to even out the other side because it's just not right or things like having to have the same number of things eg. wearing one ring on one hand, you'd then have to have one ring on the other side. No more than that or it throws out the balance. You may think it's odd but to me it's normal. Things are not right if they're not. Right now I have two bangles on one arm and only one watch on the other and it feels like the other side is so weighed down. It's irritating but it's getting better. 


I had a friend once ask how I could stand having my nose only pierced on one side, simple, you even out the other side of your body with something else. I wear a toe ring on the other side of my body. Get me now? I am not always like this with everything but some things just have to be even. Even if they're odd. 


I go through stages of things being worse like having to do little routines before hopping in the car and driving. One used to take quite awhile, it was when Jay was little. I'd have to go through the routine because if I didn't I was afraid we'd crash and something terrible would happen. I still have certain routines but not as long. Another is  all the doors in my car have to be locked before we pull out of the driveway. This drives my friends and family batty. I can't help it. It's stressful if I drive in the car with someone else & they haven't locked the doors. I have refused to drive off when somebody challenged me on this issue. He refused to lock the door because he thought I was being silly. I refused to drive off. I don't know what I think is going to happen if they aren't locked but I cannot cope if they're not. 




Clearly these things would fit into the OCD category, a little bit OCD. I am not concerned to admit that but the other things I'm not quite sure where they fit. Spider and cockroach phobia's that people find funny.  I'm not even going to bother going into them right now. One thing I know is that these issues can be draining. Thinking about them now is making me feel anxious to the point my stomach is hurting.. cramping up. No thumping heart, but I am restless and sore. My throat feels tight and I could probably gag at any second but it's okay. These things are really minor to what you can feel. 


There was a point to writing this. I truthfully cannot remember what it was now. I think I may just leave it at that. I'll get back to you when I do remember. 

Things I learnt today....

Today I learnt a few things...

No matter what age you are, your Mother can still guilt you into doing things. Especially when she uses the excuse of, I want to show my beautiful Grandson off.

My Mother never had eyes in the back of her head. The only reason she knew everything I was up to was for the fact that she herself had been just. like. me.

The 40 something multi-millionaire surgeon wonders what the "cool" kids turned out like when they grew up & has a smile from ear to ear when he hears they turned out bald & fat.

That no matter how much time has passed, words stick. People will still be affected by school yard taunts, many, many years on.

The school yard "bogan" stoner actually remembers everything... everything & will give you a detailed run through of your Primary & High School years while you sit & wonder how the heck can someone's fried brain take all that in. He is also the most down to earth, friendly person who thankfully time has been nice on him & has age well.

It's never too late to apologise.

Grown men will revert back to their 12 year old shy self when they finally have the confidence to come and tell a lady that she was the most beautiful girl in the whole primary school.

That no matter how good you may have been, that one person can change your entire reputation with a few words. It's worse when that one person is a teacher and has it in for you because of your nationality.

 Beauty is a learned thing. You are not born with it at all. Some people are born pretty but the beauty grows within. Some, we are fortunate enough to see it in.

Okay so there are a few things I learnt today...
 I also learnt that no matter how many times I have said I will never eat KFC, I always do again and I always get sick from it.

No matter how much you try and help someone, they will only change if they want to.

Parents have a bigger effect on how you turn out than you can imagine.

It only takes one person to break a vicious cycle.

 Well actually some of these things I have actually known before today but have really thought about them with everything I have seen on my outings.

Have a great weekend.

Hump day!

I've stolen this idea from my friend Melissa's blog. She got the idea from another so the cycle goes on. The idea is to reflect over the good of the past week. Come hump day when we're all struggling to get through, take a look at what made you smile in the past week. Look at 3 things that really made you happy.

Here are my 3.

1. I got my results back & I don't have cancer..YAY! This is the highlight!! I also had further testing today on another lump and from the looks of things, I'm all clear so double YAY!!

2. My sister & I went dress shopping for an upcoming event I am attending & accidentally found her bridesmaid dresses. Off the rack too at a fraction of the cost expected. They are exactly what she was looking for & had all five sizes needed. One less thing for her to worry about.

3. Time with my beautiful family & friends. Jay & I were quite sick over the weekend so Monday was spent being very lazy. We had a nice day doing nothing together snuggled up on the coach watching TV. Quality lazy time was very much needed.
Back into the swing of things, it was great catching up with my friends. Although only short visits, they were very much worth it. I do miss them a great deal when we are apart & this week, with all the stress over, it was lovely to see them & be able to laugh & not have the feeling of dread playing on you. We all feel a great weight has lifted. It's a nice feeling.

Okay, so there you have it. So what made you happy this week? Take the time to have a think.

Kids are no longer kids....

I am alarmed by the amount of younger children getting social networking accounts. I understand teenagers wanting a place to catch up with their friends outside of school hours & really, it's got to be a cheaper option & it leaves the phone line open for the rest of the family to use. When I was in my teens I'd race home from school, eat, run back out to see all my mates I had just left & come home before dinner. After dinner I'd jump on the phone & call my friends & spend the rest of the night there. So I do agree with social networks for that point. What a great way to keep in contact without having your parents screaming at you to hang up the phone.

My issue is the younger generation again. The one's 13 years and under. I was recently asked by my 7 year old if I could make an account for him on a very popular social website because he has friends that have their own accounts. 7 year old friends. After he went to bed I went on and had a look to see if these friends really did have their own accounts and he was right. Not only did these 7 and some 9 & 10 year olds have their own profiles but I was able to see all their information including mobile phone numbers & photos. I was shocked. Now I know for a fact you cannot have a profile unless you are over a certain age so they have gone & used a fake birth date & opened up a profile. What makes this issue worse is the fact that they are also friends with their parents on there. Parents that allow their young, innocent children to have these pages. Open for anyone to view. Scary.

I am finding it hard to keep up with this not so innocent generation. The constant demands for grown up things like mobile phones because 50% of their class mates have one. I am not even at the stage of allowing him to hand out our home phone number so he can call friends after school. I don't think there is a need. He has had conversations with his bestfriend, my bestfriend's child on the phone before but it's not a common occurrence. I really don't like to encourage that kind of thing. I had one mother say to me recently, Oh so you're Jay's Mum. My kid so & so has been talking to him on the phone at night. Umm no, actually he hasn't. Your child has been talking to the other Jay. That kind of thing doesn't sit right with me. Maybe I'm over protective, maybe I'm not but I certainly wouldn't have my child talking to someone night after night when I didn't even know the parents or at least have spoken to them first about it.

Which also brings me the the sleepover subject. Very scary thought for me. I had to be a certain age before my mother allowed me to have a slumber party. 12 to be exact. I was so very excited to have all my very close friends come over on my 12th birthday and sleep over. To have these kind of parties was a privilege. Something you got to look forward to like when you were old enough to shave your legs. Another very exciting time in a girls life. Anyway back to sleepovers. A friend of mine told me her 5 year old was invited to a sleepover. Huh?? She didn't feel comfortable with the idea at all and wondered how she would let the parents of the birthday child know. Would she make up a fake commitment?? etc Why do we have to be brought to lies because we are not comfortable with our five year old sleeping at some strangers house? Who the heck has a slumber party for a 5 year old in the first place? What happened to the hour long MacDonald's parties where you leave thinking, thank gosh that is over. All those hyped up, screaming children running around is chaotic but you get to eave it all behind an hour later. No staying over. No pulling your hair out because no one will sleep. No tears because 5 year old wants his Mummy in the middle of the night. Yeah I don't think so. Not going to be happening. Those are just the simple factors. I'm not even going to go into the safety factors. That's a whole other scary story.

So am I being unreasonable here? Do I allow him to follow most of the other kids or stand by beliefs and have him think I'm the uncool Mummy? I couldn't understand why I had to wait for things like these issues I've talked about when I was little but I certainly get it now. I guess I didn't turn out so bad for it. I actually thank my parents for making me wait for such things. What else would I have to look forward to if I had everything handed to me.

What do you think about these things. Do you agree kids should wait for such things?

Miss you.

It's been almost 3 years since I've seen you. The morning of September 27th 2007. I remember it like it were yesterday. I didn't want to go but I had to. It was one of the hardest choices I've ever had to make to leave you there that morning. I told you I loved you. I told you I would never, ever forget you, you would always be in my heart, our hearts. I knew you'd go then. It was Nana's anniversary. What a beautiful way to go. Reunited after 10 years to the day. I knew you'd hold out until then. She was waiting for you. It's quite a love story there. You really did love her so.

I think of you all the time. Bubba & I talk about you a lot. He misses you too. We look at your photos sometimes & talk about our morning tea's or our daily afternoon catch ups where you'd sit & watch him play. He remembers so much about you. He dreams about you. You tell him wonderful things in his dreams. I asked you that day to come back, to look out for Bub, let him know you're still around. You were never one to let anyone down & you're still the same now. He tells me stories of you, things he couldn't have known... wouldn't have known. I know that's all you. Thank you. It's helped Dad knowing you're still around. It's shocked him too. To answer your question... Uncle Shane has it but I guess you'd already know that now wouldn't you.



The family are meeting up in Emerald soon. Going to remember you & Nana. I won't be there this year. I hope you understand. I am sorry. You won't be far from my mind on this day. You're never far from my mind. I'm missing you today more than ever. I don't know why today is any different. I miss you always. Maybe because this is when you really got sick and we realised our time with you was limited or maybe it's because I know I wont be there next month. I've listened to your song a few times this week. Bubba & I sat there on Friday night & cried to it. I needed you then. It brought us both comfort to have your song. This year is going to be hard. I'm crying already just thinking about it. We're going to have a picnic out by the yesterday, today & tomorrow. It's in flower again. It's looking beautiful. I know on the day it will be in full bloom as it always is. I'm sure you'll be watching over, enjoying another picnic with us in the sun.



Missing you always Pop xoxoxo

I can breathe again...

Tonight I sit and smile. The stress of the last two weeks is over. After undergoing more tests to find out if the lump in my right breast had changed they found another one. One they immediately showed much concern for.

We were all prepared for the worst. There wasn't really too much to it. It was either a cyst that was infected which can show up similar on scans or a dreaded tumour. The FNA was done & I was told it wasn't a cyst. Not the greatest of news. I had been praying they would tell me right then & there it was a cyst & I could go home, celebrate with my family & girlfriends & laugh the stress off. No, that wasn't the case.

I had to spend another 24 hours waiting to hear. I got the results just this evening. It's benign. Be-freaking-nign! I can breathe again. My family & friends who have gone through hell & back again these last couple of weeks can breathe a sigh of relief. Tonight there is joy. We can go to sleep knowing that tomorrow the sun will shine.

I have what they call, Benign Proliferative Breast Disease. A group of noncancerous conditions that may increase the risk of developing breast cancer. It's something that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. It's not nice but obviously someone up there is looking after me. I will need to go for regular check ups & scans & FNA's to rule out cancer. Some bodies are like this & will form Fibroadenomas which are benign tumours. I also have quite a few cysts in there as well which is very common.

I have to go for another ultrasound in the next week to check the left breast as a new lesion has been found. I am not concerned this time. I'm pretty certain I will have the same result I have gotten these last two years. Benign, benign, benign!

I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to check your breasts. If you are ever in doubt, go to the Doctor. They're certainly not going to think you're silly if you're not sure. It only takes 5 minutes and could save your life. You don't have to be a certain age for breast cancer to take hold. It can happen to anyone. Please do the checks. You always think it won't happen to you. Well it just might. It doesn't have to run in the family. Chances are higher if it does but you could be the start. Don't let that happen. Don't wait. Make a conscious effort once a week while in the shower waiting to rinse out your conditioner to do it. It's as simple as that.

To all my beautiful family & friends, I thank you for enduring these last two weeks along side me. You have been amazing. I couldn't have gotten through it without you.

My little yellow Bear.

If you go out in the woods today
You're sure of a big surprise.
If you go out in the woods today
You'd better go in disguise.

For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

I cannot get the song out of my head at the moment. It's been stuck in there for days. I don't know why or even when I may have heard the song last but it is there & it's not going anywhere soon.

It's reminded me of my first teddy bears picnic. I was 5. I was at preschool. I took my favourite teddy bear ever, Harmony. He was bright yellow & used to play little lullabies. I used to click his paw & skip all the tunes to get to my favourite, Brahm's lullaby. I would play it over & over again until I'd fall asleep.

I never knew the words, I would just hum along to the melody. It was the most soothing thing in the world besides my mother's hugs. When I was feeling sick or scared in the middle of the night I would press his little paw & I would feel happy and calm. I still hum this tune to Jay if he can't sleep. It seems to soothe him the way it did me.

I still have Harmony to this day. I couldn't bear(no pun intended) to give him away. He sits in the top of my wardrobe with a few other things that are very special to me. I never thought to give him to Jay when he was little. I obviously wasn't meant to. I might, one day, if I have a little girl, pass him on. Someone who will understand the sentimental value of him. I know Jay is a very gentle child but I don't think he'd appreciate a bear like Harmony quite like a little girl would.

Harmony really is a happy memory. I'm so very glad he gave me the kind of joy I see Jay getting from his favourite things. I too will tuck those things of his away as I know how much they can mean to a person. Little or no monetary value but worth a million smiles.
So do you have a lullaby or a toy that you have passed down or kept just because you could bear to let them go?

Things I'm loving right now.

I'm ending this week on a good note. It's been a crazy week for me and I want to leave it all behind for now. Some of the things I am loving at the moment. Material or not, I'm loving them. These are in no order of preference.

My new phone. The iphone actually. I've finally caught up with the rest of the world, my mother included. Jay has had a ball teaching me how to use it, showing me all these wonderful apps to download. Don't even ask me how my 7 year old knows how to do all these things... he just does.


Okay so this one is followed on from my phone... an app I downloaded. Words with friends. A version of scrabble. Very addictive! Waking up and grabbing your phone to see if a word has been played before you've even said good morning or brushed your teeth addictive.

I'm loving long hot showers on these cooler nights. The end of a long day washed away till you're calm & relaxed.



Loving that Jay keeps answering my unspoken questions. I don't know how he's doing it but it's pretty cool. He's pretty intuitive but he's taking it to the next level here. He actually thinks I'm asking out loud & doesn't get why I'm shocked with his responses. I have witnesses to these things so I know I'm not going mad thankfully.



The rain at night this week. I love sitting & listening to it while I drift off to sleep. It's very soothing. Not so much during the day when your hair frizzes & you trample in puddles but at night while in the comfort of your bed. It really is something else.



I'm loving my new flower ring. I've never been one for floral anything but at the moment I can't get enough. All the pale pink & floral patterned clothing & accessories coming into stores for the new season. I can't wait for spring!



I am loving that I get to go see all my beautiful family up the coast for my Grandparent's birthday's tomorrow. All of us crammed on their patio eating a seafood buffet, shouting over the top of one another to get a word in. The laughter of all the Grandchildren together again, looking through a lifetime of family photo's. It's something we do every time we are there. My Grandfather getting teary over how wonderful we are & how grateful he is to have a family like us. I truly cannot wait.



I. Love. My. Friends. They really are the best. I know everyone says that about their friends but mine are better ;-) This week I got to see three of my favourite friends, my best friend's. Each one so different & so amazing at the same time. All going through their own battles but all making the time to laugh & smile with me. One I don't get to as often but nothing ever changes. It's always like I've just left her when we meet again. I'm blessed to have these precious soul's in my life.

So not all bad this week. In fact it's turned out to be better than I first thought. Have a great week end. I hope you can all find the good amongst the bad. It makes life's journey a little more fun xo

It's my turn.

People always say you only get what you can handle.. yeah well why does everyone seem to think I have to be the strong one. The one who deals with it all. Yes I guess I've been pretty lucky when you look at others & see what they have gone through but sometimes, just sometimes it's hard to see past that. Today I'm not okay. Today it is my turn. I'm being selfish. I don't care about anyone else's petty problems.

I am sick of hearing people whine about things like having to clean their house or do the groceries or the worst one yet...spend time with their children. I was shocked to hear the last one. I love the time I spend with mine. If it were up to me, I'd keep him home from school forever. I hate that I have to work through the week & then two Saturdays a month taking more precious time away from my little babe. I'm excited to finish work & come home to see him. I love that he still runs into my arms & gives me a big kiss when I come to meet him at school. I love the fact that I get absolutely no privacy whatsoever the moment the shower or toilet door closes & he must tell me the most important story ever.

Tonight while at work I answered the phone to hear down the line... 'Hello Mum! I love you, I miss you & I can't wait till you come home'. 'I want a cuddle'. Everything was fine of course but he just wanted to let me know. I needed it today. He didn't know, but I did more than ever. It took everything I had to not run out those doors & home to give him the biggest cuddle ever.

Today I'm falling apart. I hate it. I don't want to pretend everything is fine. I want to scream.. why me? I'm mad with the world. I'm up & down with my emotions. I don't want to sit & smile at people who aren't important. I don't care.

Yesterday I had my breast scan. All looked good & no changes to the lump. That's great news in my books. Today I got my results back. I didn't open them straight away like I normally do. Something didn't feel right. I'm pretty good with following my intuition & usually not wrong so I left it go. I went & did some shopping, didn't buy one thing & the day went downhill from there.

So the result isn't very good & I have a few cysts which is very normal but another lump has appeared, a solid mass which seems to look like a malignant tumour. For those of you who don't know what that means, it's cancerous. My fears have been brought to a head. I have to go in for another fine needle aspiration. There is a possibility it is just an infected cyst which sometimes can be of a similar nature on scans. They are concerned. I am concerned. I know I can't do anything about it until all the tests have been done & all the results are in but I am frightened. It may just be an infected cyst & I shouldn't worry until then but I honestly can't help it.

There may be a chance it is cancerous. A big chance, I don't know?... It's not something I want to deal with. I want to carry on with my happy life with my beautiful son & not worry about any of this. I don't want to think about the fact that if this is cancer, I may not be here to watch him grow. It is unfair. So you can understand when I say, today I am going to be selfish. I'm going to feel sorry for myself. I'm not going to listen to you whining about time spent with your children. I'm going to go snuggle up with my precious little boy & pray that I still have a lifetime with him.