Our day!

We had our picnic. It was so nice to be out there in the sun. The scent of the flowers was overwhelming. It was lovely. We were happy to be out there enjoying once more, a picnic like we used to when you were still here.

It was up to Jay what we had. Just like we used to. He picked sausage rolls like we used to eat when you came over for morning teas plus we had popcorn and cupcakes, mini quiches, mini pizzas plus a plate full of ham and cheese and curried egg and lettuce sandwiches that we forgot to take out so we ate them for afternoon tea instead. 

Thanks for making today so nice. Jay said you were there. I'm glad you made an appearance. The picnic was for you after all. We got to talk wonderful things of you both. Jay a little sad he never had the chance to meet Nana but overall it was a lovely day. 

Here's to you Nana & Pop. Loving you always & missing you more xox 

Three years today.

He cried last night, he'd thought of you. Not just simple tears, sobs, uncontrollable sobs. He missed you and wanted you back. Wanted you here to stay. He didn't think it was fair you were gone. I hadn't even told him today's the day. He must have sensed it somehow. He didn't even cry that much when you passed. He's older now, I guess he understands more.

Today's the day. You left us three years ago. Nana left us thirteen. September 27. A simple day for most. For us it holds so much more.

I'm again feeling the panic of three years ago. Getting ready now to come over and see you for the last time. Knowing it's the last time and not being able to do anything about it. Wanting to scream to the rest of the family to come and see you because they are never going to have another chance. The ones that were there were meant to be. You'd made it pan out that way. You knew you were going and had who you wanted, I get that. I guess that's something they have to live with. They all try a lot harder now. They're all away to remember you both now. Granny too who would have celebrated her birthday today. They're yearly reunion. The fun and laughs of good old days. They try. I'm glad they do. They've learnt the hard way.

I remember waking thirteen years ago to hear the sobs of my Dad after Nan had passed. I remember sitting, curled up beside him, silent tears rolling, numb. She had gone. Never coming back. This morning I woke at 5.16am. I sat and watched the fog over the yard. Everything was quiet. Nothing. The world hadn't started. It was nice. A nicer start then before. I got to think of you both. Remember all the wonderful things about you.

I want to go back to a few hours ago when I woke up. I was clam. It really was so pretty outside. Today the sun shines. Much like the day you went.  I would have been with you now. Sitting by your bed telling you to come back. You'd already made the choice. I knew there was no stopping you. Nan was waiting. I could feel her there. You were surrounded by love. My biggest regret is not telling Dad. He wasn't there until later. I should have warned him. Given him a few more hours with you. I guess he'd had his time. He'd been there all along. He only needed to be with you in your last hour. You wanted it like that. You waited for your boys. Waited for Dad.  You only wanted them. You told them you loved them and you left. Gone forever.

Today we will have our picnic in the sun out by the yesterday, today and tomorrow.  It's in full bloom like it always is. It wasn't going to happen as I'd planned but it's all worked out for today. The rain has stopped and I have taken the day off because Jay is unwell. This will make him happy being with you today Pop. We love you both and miss you everyday.

Stupid little pill.

I'm falling. It's quick. The drop doesn't seem as high this time. It's only been a week. A stupid choice. I should have stopped. I shouldn't have started. I am stopping. I sit and stare for long periods. I don't even know what I'm thinking about. Not good things. I know that much. The tears over nothing. The feeling of dread. The emotional roller coaster. A week. That is all it took. A waste of time. 


I hate it. Nothing helps. I thought I'd try. With you I can't handle simple things. I don't sleep. I can't function enough to get up. I'm anxious all the time. I don't eat. I binge. So up & down. I've crashed. I need to get up and go to work this morning. I can't. Jay isn't here. It's harder to function. It's sad to know that most of the time I only do things for him. Not me, him. I'm a parent, I get that but where am I? 


Ha.. I don't have a freaking clue. My life has stopped. It's hit the brick wall. The bricks are trapping me in. I'm wedged and I can't get out. I don't want to get out. I'm too drained to bother. It's easier to sit here and cry. Why not? I'm allowed to cry. What's the point in bothering? It is what it is.  I don't even remember writing that last sentence. Odd. Scary. The thoughts, scary. Every little thing makes me jump. I'm off, so far, it takes a while to realise where I am. 


The only good thing about this all is that I can make it stop. I know it's going to stop. I'm not like the others. I'm stuck in my head now. The thoughts are running. I don't know what about but they can stop. I will be able to breathe & I will stop crying. I won't be imagining horrible things. It will stop. No Saturday pill.  My body just can't do it. My sanity can't. Something that is meant to help is one of the scariest things for me. It's never helped. I can handle the pain. I can handle the haemorrhaging.  I can handle the cysts. I can't handle you. 

Are you a confident dresser?

I was reading a friends blog tonight and she mentioned a job going at a popular chain of shopping centres for their suavest  shopper. She doesn't think she'd be in the running. This would be her ideal job. She has a talent when it comes to shopping. I have never seen anything like it. This woman would be able to get a pair of Louboutins for a freaking dollar if you asked her to hunt them down. She has endless bookmarks of online sites where she finds her bargains and has many a time come to the rescue when searching for that got to have pressie for your child's birthday and everywhere has sold out.  She can tell you where, when, what to buy in just about any store ever.

Her children are kitted out in beautiful clothes and a fraction of the cost. She'd buy ten items to my one. Now here's the problem.... She doesn't think she'd be cut out for the job because it's based on fashion and she feels  fashion isn't her forte. Ha!

Her daughter is one of the most fashionable girls I have ever met. She is going to be the envy of every child that meets her. It is very rare you will see her in the same outfit twice. Her sons have their own taste but still look very fashionable. She buys for their taste and it works. They are three of the most fashionable kids I ever met... besides mine ;-) hehe!

She has no problem with fashion when dressing children. She has all the confidence in the world. Adult fashion is where she struggles with the confidence. She will ring me and describe an outfit or take a picture and send it to my phone a lot of the time before she buys it. She listens to everything I mention about fashion so when she is out in the big wide world of women's stores she can't go wrong.

I am no fashoinista. Gosh, I am far from it. I envy my little sister who can throw outfits together and look stunning. If I tried, I'd look hideous. Leopard prints and red heels, blouses and pencil skirts with big belts and all sorts but she works it. She's confident. She's glamorous. That's her style. I have my own. I wish my friend would feel confident enough to give it a go.

The basic things you have to remember... Dress for your shape. Non of these short skirts just below your tushy if you're over 12. Dress your age. If you're over 30 and not a catwalk model and think you can still pull of these shorty shorts and midriffs then you're doing it wrong.

Big boobs... show them off tastefully.... don't do higher round necks. It's just going to emphasise.  Shorter in the body.. wear things to lengthen your torso. Wider through the waist line... bolder patterns or wide belts really do help. Big bottom.... where jeans or pants with big pockets. It helps minimise. To slim your thighs, darker colours or jeans with a lighter wash through the thigh area also helps.. they're great little illusions that work.

The main thing when dressing is that you feel comfortable. A woman who feels good in what she's wearing will look good. Unless it's a track suit and a baggy T-shirt and you're not at the gym... that doesn't work.  You're much more confident when you feel good in what you're wearing.  I am much more comfortable in a pair of jeans and a top. It's not that hard to throw something together like that. Chuck on a belt and a jacket or cardigan with some nice heels or flats and it works. Accessories are the key. A nice pair of earrings or a chain can make an outfit.

In saying all that.. don't listen to me. I'm a dag. My sister's would laugh if they read this. They roll their eyes when they hear me say, I was thinking about wearing jeans. I love them. Just be confident and you shouldn't fail. Look at what's in fashion and buy things to suit you. You don't have to wear the outfit straight out of the magazine. Most of us wouldn't suit it. If you do, hats off to you.

* My friend is in no way a dag. She dresses well :-) I really think she'd do well doing this job!

Another cup of...

I am not a coffee or tea drinker. People look at me like I'm kind of odd when I tell them. I would have maybe four cups of tea a year and sometimes an iced coffee.  I'd take a cup of tea over a coffee any day. I also drink my tea or coffee cold. I will make it and leave it for about 30mins before it's just right. You'd think it would be easier just to make an iced tea or coffee but they're not the same.

Tonight I felt like a cup of tea. I usually do when I am not feeling well. My mother always made me a cup of sweet tea when  my blood pressure had dropped and would make me sit and drink it with a biscuit or something. Anyway, so tonight I'm not feeling the best so I make what I would call, the perfect cup of tea.

It sat cooling in my big, big cup while I did some things and when I was ready, I sat down and got all comfy ready to enjoy my quarterly cuppa. On first sip it seemed really nice. Second sip, not so much. Maybe it had cooled too much. Not enough sugar?? Something wasn't right. I then took another sip before I worked out that the tea was horrid. The milk had gone off. Sadly I am sitting here with a sour milk taste that I can't get rid of. I am hoping I didn't drink enough to make me ill.

I think I will leave the tea and coffee drinking to the rest of you. I don't understand the enjoyment you get from drinking them but I do love the wonderful conversations with my girlfriends while sitting down for our cuppa catch ups... Me, I'll stick to my coke zero or water.

I have a dear friend Melissa who could quite possibly look like the picture below if she didn't get her coffee. She quite often jokes but I have my suspicions ;-), that it goes coffee then kids in the love ranking...

Now you may not want me making you a cuppa any time soon.. actually no one likes they way I make a hot cuppa either(I've no idea why ;-) ) so how about I boil the jug and you make it to your liking & we can sit and chat all the same. It's probably safer!

I hope you are all having a good, sour milk free evening.

Times are a changing!

Remember when Dunlop Volley's were cool?? No?? Well that's because they were never cool and the 7 & 8 year olds of the new generation haven't got that memo yet.

I used to wear them. I hated them. There is nothing fashionable about them. Yes they are practical, have great non slip soles, are cheap & you can wash them easily when your kids track through the one and only mud puddle in the whole of Queensland but they're dorky.

I dreamed of having some cool name brand shoe when I was little instead of these shoes. My son has begged me for a very long time... begged is an understatement. Cried, tried to bargain with me, asked me almost daily for a pair of them.

I finally gave in a few weeks ago. We were out shopping and he saw them. This time I beat him to it. I didn't want him to ask again and have to see the sad look on his face. I walked straight over to the long aisle of them and told him to try a pair on. He thought I was kidding. I actually had to convince him I was serious. When he realised I was for real, it was like all his Christmas's had come at once.

In that moment I realised it didn't matter what I thought, to him these were so much better than the expensive name brand shoes he owns. These to him are the name brands I longed for.

He has hardly taken them off. He wore them to bed the first night until I made him remove them. Jay has never been one to cling to a certain toy or blanket like some children do but these shoes are lasting. I am already preparing ahead. They're not going to last the way he's wearing them.  I am going to get another pair for the dreaded moment when he grows out of them or heaven forbid, they get a hole in them.

Yesterday we went and got crazy laces for them. Fluoro orange and yellow laces.  One shoe has the orange and the other yellow. He couldn't just do one colour, they really had to be crazy. He woke up and went straight to his shoes, got them out and sat them beside him on the chair while he ate breakfast then put them on. Jay has a shower every morning before school(can't start the day without one) and today he was so excited to put the shoes on, he skipped it. That's how important these damn shoes are.

My little man has gone off to school with the happiest smile ever. It was definitely worth the little money I did spend on them. It's amazing how something so minor can bring so much joy to someone.   My biggest hate is Jay's biggest love... go figure.


Here he is with his crazy laces this morning before school. Gotta love him!

Anxiety is the norm... I guess?!?

I was talking to a friend tonight about anxiety. Some people don't realise they are suffering and others are quite aware and this will usually make it worse. I have always had anxiety issues. Not so much of a problem that I've needed to be medicated but enough to be a nuisance. I don't fit into one set category like some people do. 


From a very early age little things like evenness & having to walk a certain path through the house were something I had to do. Evenness... where if somebody touches your arm so you then have to touch the other arm in the same spot to even out the other side because it's just not right or things like having to have the same number of things eg. wearing one ring on one hand, you'd then have to have one ring on the other side. No more than that or it throws out the balance. You may think it's odd but to me it's normal. Things are not right if they're not. Right now I have two bangles on one arm and only one watch on the other and it feels like the other side is so weighed down. It's irritating but it's getting better. 


I had a friend once ask how I could stand having my nose only pierced on one side, simple, you even out the other side of your body with something else. I wear a toe ring on the other side of my body. Get me now? I am not always like this with everything but some things just have to be even. Even if they're odd. 


I go through stages of things being worse like having to do little routines before hopping in the car and driving. One used to take quite awhile, it was when Jay was little. I'd have to go through the routine because if I didn't I was afraid we'd crash and something terrible would happen. I still have certain routines but not as long. Another is  all the doors in my car have to be locked before we pull out of the driveway. This drives my friends and family batty. I can't help it. It's stressful if I drive in the car with someone else & they haven't locked the doors. I have refused to drive off when somebody challenged me on this issue. He refused to lock the door because he thought I was being silly. I refused to drive off. I don't know what I think is going to happen if they aren't locked but I cannot cope if they're not. 




Clearly these things would fit into the OCD category, a little bit OCD. I am not concerned to admit that but the other things I'm not quite sure where they fit. Spider and cockroach phobia's that people find funny.  I'm not even going to bother going into them right now. One thing I know is that these issues can be draining. Thinking about them now is making me feel anxious to the point my stomach is hurting.. cramping up. No thumping heart, but I am restless and sore. My throat feels tight and I could probably gag at any second but it's okay. These things are really minor to what you can feel. 


There was a point to writing this. I truthfully cannot remember what it was now. I think I may just leave it at that. I'll get back to you when I do remember. 

Things I learnt today....

Today I learnt a few things...

No matter what age you are, your Mother can still guilt you into doing things. Especially when she uses the excuse of, I want to show my beautiful Grandson off.

My Mother never had eyes in the back of her head. The only reason she knew everything I was up to was for the fact that she herself had been just. like. me.

The 40 something multi-millionaire surgeon wonders what the "cool" kids turned out like when they grew up & has a smile from ear to ear when he hears they turned out bald & fat.

That no matter how much time has passed, words stick. People will still be affected by school yard taunts, many, many years on.

The school yard "bogan" stoner actually remembers everything... everything & will give you a detailed run through of your Primary & High School years while you sit & wonder how the heck can someone's fried brain take all that in. He is also the most down to earth, friendly person who thankfully time has been nice on him & has age well.

It's never too late to apologise.

Grown men will revert back to their 12 year old shy self when they finally have the confidence to come and tell a lady that she was the most beautiful girl in the whole primary school.

That no matter how good you may have been, that one person can change your entire reputation with a few words. It's worse when that one person is a teacher and has it in for you because of your nationality.

 Beauty is a learned thing. You are not born with it at all. Some people are born pretty but the beauty grows within. Some, we are fortunate enough to see it in.

Okay so there are a few things I learnt today...
 I also learnt that no matter how many times I have said I will never eat KFC, I always do again and I always get sick from it.

No matter how much you try and help someone, they will only change if they want to.

Parents have a bigger effect on how you turn out than you can imagine.

It only takes one person to break a vicious cycle.

 Well actually some of these things I have actually known before today but have really thought about them with everything I have seen on my outings.

Have a great weekend.

Hump day!

I've stolen this idea from my friend Melissa's blog. She got the idea from another so the cycle goes on. The idea is to reflect over the good of the past week. Come hump day when we're all struggling to get through, take a look at what made you smile in the past week. Look at 3 things that really made you happy.

Here are my 3.

1. I got my results back & I don't have cancer..YAY! This is the highlight!! I also had further testing today on another lump and from the looks of things, I'm all clear so double YAY!!

2. My sister & I went dress shopping for an upcoming event I am attending & accidentally found her bridesmaid dresses. Off the rack too at a fraction of the cost expected. They are exactly what she was looking for & had all five sizes needed. One less thing for her to worry about.

3. Time with my beautiful family & friends. Jay & I were quite sick over the weekend so Monday was spent being very lazy. We had a nice day doing nothing together snuggled up on the coach watching TV. Quality lazy time was very much needed.
Back into the swing of things, it was great catching up with my friends. Although only short visits, they were very much worth it. I do miss them a great deal when we are apart & this week, with all the stress over, it was lovely to see them & be able to laugh & not have the feeling of dread playing on you. We all feel a great weight has lifted. It's a nice feeling.

Okay, so there you have it. So what made you happy this week? Take the time to have a think.