Stupid little pill.

I'm falling. It's quick. The drop doesn't seem as high this time. It's only been a week. A stupid choice. I should have stopped. I shouldn't have started. I am stopping. I sit and stare for long periods. I don't even know what I'm thinking about. Not good things. I know that much. The tears over nothing. The feeling of dread. The emotional roller coaster. A week. That is all it took. A waste of time. 


I hate it. Nothing helps. I thought I'd try. With you I can't handle simple things. I don't sleep. I can't function enough to get up. I'm anxious all the time. I don't eat. I binge. So up & down. I've crashed. I need to get up and go to work this morning. I can't. Jay isn't here. It's harder to function. It's sad to know that most of the time I only do things for him. Not me, him. I'm a parent, I get that but where am I? 


Ha.. I don't have a freaking clue. My life has stopped. It's hit the brick wall. The bricks are trapping me in. I'm wedged and I can't get out. I don't want to get out. I'm too drained to bother. It's easier to sit here and cry. Why not? I'm allowed to cry. What's the point in bothering? It is what it is.  I don't even remember writing that last sentence. Odd. Scary. The thoughts, scary. Every little thing makes me jump. I'm off, so far, it takes a while to realise where I am. 


The only good thing about this all is that I can make it stop. I know it's going to stop. I'm not like the others. I'm stuck in my head now. The thoughts are running. I don't know what about but they can stop. I will be able to breathe & I will stop crying. I won't be imagining horrible things. It will stop. No Saturday pill.  My body just can't do it. My sanity can't. Something that is meant to help is one of the scariest things for me. It's never helped. I can handle the pain. I can handle the haemorrhaging.  I can handle the cysts. I can't handle you.