It's my turn.

People always say you only get what you can handle.. yeah well why does everyone seem to think I have to be the strong one. The one who deals with it all. Yes I guess I've been pretty lucky when you look at others & see what they have gone through but sometimes, just sometimes it's hard to see past that. Today I'm not okay. Today it is my turn. I'm being selfish. I don't care about anyone else's petty problems.

I am sick of hearing people whine about things like having to clean their house or do the groceries or the worst one yet...spend time with their children. I was shocked to hear the last one. I love the time I spend with mine. If it were up to me, I'd keep him home from school forever. I hate that I have to work through the week & then two Saturdays a month taking more precious time away from my little babe. I'm excited to finish work & come home to see him. I love that he still runs into my arms & gives me a big kiss when I come to meet him at school. I love the fact that I get absolutely no privacy whatsoever the moment the shower or toilet door closes & he must tell me the most important story ever.

Tonight while at work I answered the phone to hear down the line... 'Hello Mum! I love you, I miss you & I can't wait till you come home'. 'I want a cuddle'. Everything was fine of course but he just wanted to let me know. I needed it today. He didn't know, but I did more than ever. It took everything I had to not run out those doors & home to give him the biggest cuddle ever.

Today I'm falling apart. I hate it. I don't want to pretend everything is fine. I want to scream.. why me? I'm mad with the world. I'm up & down with my emotions. I don't want to sit & smile at people who aren't important. I don't care.

Yesterday I had my breast scan. All looked good & no changes to the lump. That's great news in my books. Today I got my results back. I didn't open them straight away like I normally do. Something didn't feel right. I'm pretty good with following my intuition & usually not wrong so I left it go. I went & did some shopping, didn't buy one thing & the day went downhill from there.

So the result isn't very good & I have a few cysts which is very normal but another lump has appeared, a solid mass which seems to look like a malignant tumour. For those of you who don't know what that means, it's cancerous. My fears have been brought to a head. I have to go in for another fine needle aspiration. There is a possibility it is just an infected cyst which sometimes can be of a similar nature on scans. They are concerned. I am concerned. I know I can't do anything about it until all the tests have been done & all the results are in but I am frightened. It may just be an infected cyst & I shouldn't worry until then but I honestly can't help it.

There may be a chance it is cancerous. A big chance, I don't know?... It's not something I want to deal with. I want to carry on with my happy life with my beautiful son & not worry about any of this. I don't want to think about the fact that if this is cancer, I may not be here to watch him grow. It is unfair. So you can understand when I say, today I am going to be selfish. I'm going to feel sorry for myself. I'm not going to listen to you whining about time spent with your children. I'm going to go snuggle up with my precious little boy & pray that I still have a lifetime with him.