I was talking to a friend tonight about anxiety. Some people don't realise they are suffering and others are quite aware and this will usually make it worse. I have always had anxiety issues. Not so much of a problem that I've needed to be medicated but enough to be a nuisance. I don't fit into one set category like some people do.
From a very early age little things like evenness & having to walk a certain path through the house were something I had to do. Evenness... where if somebody touches your arm so you then have to touch the other arm in the same spot to even out the other side because it's just not right or things like having to have the same number of things eg. wearing one ring on one hand, you'd then have to have one ring on the other side. No more than that or it throws out the balance. You may think it's odd but to me it's normal. Things are not right if they're not. Right now I have two bangles on one arm and only one watch on the other and it feels like the other side is so weighed down. It's irritating but it's getting better.
I had a friend once ask how I could stand having my nose only pierced on one side, simple, you even out the other side of your body with something else. I wear a toe ring on the other side of my body. Get me now? I am not always like this with everything but some things just have to be even. Even if they're odd.
I go through stages of things being worse like having to do little routines before hopping in the car and driving. One used to take quite awhile, it was when Jay was little. I'd have to go through the routine because if I didn't I was afraid we'd crash and something terrible would happen. I still have certain routines but not as long. Another is all the doors in my car have to be locked before we pull out of the driveway. This drives my friends and family batty. I can't help it. It's stressful if I drive in the car with someone else & they haven't locked the doors. I have refused to drive off when somebody challenged me on this issue. He refused to lock the door because he thought I was being silly. I refused to drive off. I don't know what I think is going to happen if they aren't locked but I cannot cope if they're not.
Clearly these things would fit into the OCD category, a little bit OCD. I am not concerned to admit that but the other things I'm not quite sure where they fit. Spider and cockroach phobia's that people find funny. I'm not even going to bother going into them right now. One thing I know is that these issues can be draining. Thinking about them now is making me feel anxious to the point my stomach is hurting.. cramping up. No thumping heart, but I am restless and sore. My throat feels tight and I could probably gag at any second but it's okay. These things are really minor to what you can feel.
There was a point to writing this. I truthfully cannot remember what it was now. I think I may just leave it at that. I'll get back to you when I do remember.
Hello my freaky twin.
ReplyDeleteI have gone so far as to burn my arm or hand (this on more than one occasion) because I have accidentally burned the other side.
Even numbers. Counting steps. Repeating EVERYthing in my head so it's said twice. And that's just the normal stuff. Much worse when I'm genuinely anxious or run down.
So, we live with it, yes? Totally 'normal' to me, I don't remember not being this way.
Love you.
How is it we've never spoken of this? The repeating in your head thing... I do that but with more times. Not always but a lot. I also count to three in my head when I breathe. It's an odd number but I do it. I've always done it. The other day at school I had to walk the exact path to the chairs as I used to on the kitchen tiles to get to the sink. I haven't done that in years.. that path. I don't know why I did. I don't know what triggered it but I had to do it.
ReplyDeleteWe've have more in common than I thought. Love you always xoxo
I thought it was normal, until I met Dan that the doors of my car have to be locked before I go anywhere. I also have to get out of bed on an even numbered minute and TV and stereo volumes MUST be set to an even number. It drives Dan loopy but he does get even sometimes with volume settings. Zane's the same way, sometimes worse when he's tired. He has set things he has to do at the table with his drink and which side it stays on.
ReplyDeleteI tell Dan that Zane and I are the normal ones...the rest are the weird ones!! :-D
The drinks do have to be on the right side. I hope Zane knows this LOL
ReplyDelete